I always find it hard before something happens, when I don't know what to think or expect. When I don't know I'd sometimes rather not think about it at all. Now when it's time to look back I realize that is hard to. My time with Young Hope is coming to a close. So... how was it? I'm just gonna try and throw a few things out there, things I've learnt and experienced and that has impacted me and I believe made me a different person - or maybe it's better to say that it has made me more me.

The main thing God has been leading me to this year, and that He and I will keep working on, is for me to be who He created me to be no matter what the circumstances are like, and to have peace in that I belong to Him through everything. Young Hope has been one of the things God has used to bring me further on this road; through the things I've done and the people I've met He has showed me more of who I am - both strengths and weaknesses - and more of who He is. That's one thing I've realized; it's through getting to know Him we can get to know ourselves, only in Him can we find our true identity. I've struggled with this before and also this year, that I've put my identity in other people and other things instead of looking to God. God has really used people - the people here, my boyfriend, my friends back home - to help me see this and help me understand that no matter what I'm still me, and what makes me me is God.

This year has in many ways been a struggle. It's been a fight for freedom. Far away from my family, my culture, my country - the things that in many ways has defined me - I've had to find myself outside of that. I know that Gods heart for me this year has been freedom. Freedom from the past, freedom from fear, freedom from the things that has kept me down, freedom from the lies satan has put in my head for so long. It's not an easy fight, but it is a fight that God has already won. He has already bought my freedom, I just have to believe it and accept it. Which often is very hard. It's also not a fight that I fight once and then everything is good. This is something that I have to do everyday and that God will keep helping me with.

I've been stretched in many ways this year. I've done things I never thought I would, met people I never thought I'd meet. I've had to step out of what I'm used to, what I'm comfortable with, and allow God to use me in new ways. It's been amazing to see Him work and to be able to be a part of that - knowing that it's only because of His goodness and grace.

Through the different ministries I've been involved in God has really showed me that He is a personal God. He cares so deeply for each and everyone, for the ones that no one else cares for. To see how he has saved people out of the worst circumstances, out of things you can't even imagine, to see how He never gives up hope and how His heart breaks for the little ones... we have an amazing God.

Sometimes it can seem hopeless. When you look at all the pain and all the hard things in the world, it's easy to get overwhelmed and feel like there's nothing to be done, and to feel so small and insignificant, 'I'm nothing, what can I do?'. What God has showed me is that He has an answer to that question, and when we honestly ask and listen He will show us. He has something for all of us to do, something we can do to change this world. It's easy to dismiss the things we do because they feel so small and we don't always see what good they do. I only watched the street kids for a little while, what was that? I only talked to some girls for a little bit, what was that? But if that's what God asked me to do... then the rest is up to Him, and maybe more will come out of it than I can imagine.

This year has also been a time of failing. I've made a lot of mistakes. There has been many times when I haven't obeyed, when I haven't done the things God asked me to do. Sometimes over and over again. It's hard to fail, it's hard to see my own weakness, to see how small and pathetic and selfish I am sometimes. It's freeing to realize that God still loves me, still wants me and always gives me a new chance. It's freeing to realize that it's okay to fail, it's okay to be weak. It's amazing to think that in the midst of that, in the midst of my guilt and shame, mistakes and disobedience, God still loves me and has me in His hand. And even more than that, He still trusts me with things and still thinks that I'm beautiful, that somehow He is still able to look at me with delight. We have an amazing God...

I could say so many things about this year. So many things that has been good, hard, exciting, amazing, challenging, painful... but in all that there's really only one thing that matters. The big thing isn't where I am, what I do or even who I'm with - the big thing is that I do it with God. That no matter where I am, I live for Him. It's so easy, but so hard at the same time. He is the only thing that matters. He is the only thing I really need. The circumstances and all the things around, they change, they come and go. If we build everything we are on something we do or someone we know, on where we are or who we are working with, we're not going to last long. Somewhere within ourselves we have to have that peace, that stability that come from knowing who we are in Christ. We need to be able to trust Him and honor Him no matter what things look like around us. That's what really matters. This is what I want. I don't have it yet. Sometimes I do, but still not at all. I want it, I will fight for it, I will fail - and God will hold me in His hand.

This is what I'm learning. Through everything, I belong to God. That's the only thing that really matters, that's the only thing I really am.

The Lords.